Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Cell Phone Ban Doesn’t Go Far Enough

I see that the Illinois House, in their continuing quest to keep us all as safe as a child in a pro-life mother’s womb, has passed a bill that would prohibit driving with hand held cell phones anywhere in the state of Illinois. I sure appreciate their concern for my safety while behind the wheel driving, but I‘ve been thinking about that for awhile and have decided that our venerable politicians have been somewhat derelict in their duty this time round. Certainly the bill doesn’t go far enough.

Not being the expert in highway safety as our diligent representatives in Springfield are, I, nonetheless, have been able to come up with my modest proposal to improve on this august legislation.

It appears to me that talking on the phone has to be one of the least distracting things done while people are driving compared to other venalities. Listening to the radio can certainly distract the driver, especially with those sub-woofer boom boxes reverberating in the back seat. As melodious as such music is to our ears, I am sure everyone agrees that safety must comes first and rap must take the rap. If we can save just one child, . . . Let’s just ban music systems all together. After all, it’s for the children.

And while we are at it, there are many other activities that must be verboten. Eating certainly distracts more than cell phone use. Heck, I like to munch down a Chicago dog as much as the next guy. But let’s get with the program. Those Chicago dogs in Springfield need to take another look at eating in the car, instead of them eating up our pocket books with incessant profligate spending. We must ban eating while driving. And needless to say, no exception can be made; donuts will also have to be proscribed. I know this will involve fighting the great pressure from the law enforcement unions, but now is the time to remain strong.

And who hasn’t seen women (and some men) distracted while farding. Farding is quite the hazard. Applying makeup to the face while driving puts us all in dire jeopardy. So farding must be prohibited.

Come to think of it, conversations can be very distracting while driving, especially carrying on with those in the back seat. Banning this has the added bonus of banning backseat drivers at the same time. And while we’re at it, beating on the children in the back seat, I know, lifelong sport for some, will also have to go. You can’t keep those hands on ten and two while walloping your children now can you?

I wouldn’t know about this next point personally, but I have heard told, in the past, from truck driver reports, of certain sexual activity being performed on one while driving. I’m sure we can agree that this could climax into a serious accident. Let’s add that to the list.

I’m sure I have just scratched the surface. But maybe this list will help keep our politicians in Springfield attune to the job at hand. I wouldn’t want to go too far yet, but let us keep in mind the ultimate goal is ultimate safety, from cradle to grave security wrapped in the beneficent arms of our caring politicians. With that in mind, let us look forward to the ultimate goal of just down-right banning automobiles, thereby saving tens of thousands of lives every year. Who is ready to invest in the plastic bubble cocoon industry with me? Any takers?

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